Winners of the Worst Ever Halloween Essay Contest

November 1, 2006

Section 35

    Here is my essay on Halloween. In my essay I will talk about a few things. There are three things about Halloween that I like. They are candy, trick-or-treating, and dressing up. Halloween is so much fun. It’s my favorite holiday.
    First, I like the candy. Snickers are my favorite, but I really like Kit-Kats. Different houses give you different candies. My house gives dimes. I carve pumpkins and eat candy at the same time. It’s fun and good. My mom yells at me.
    Second, I really absolutely have so much fun goin around the houses. Trick-or-treating gets me lots of candy. Candy is my favorite. I love Kit-Kats. Twizzlers are good too. Trick-or-treating makes me happy. Trick-or-treating is for me and you. We like it a lot. Pumpkins are orange. That’s my favorite color. I have pumpkins at home. They are orange (my favorite color!). This one time I threw a pumpkin. I hit my neighbor in the head. It fell off. I was scared.
    Third, its fun to dress up. My costume is the freakin bestest EVER! You wish you had a costume like mine. I really love my pumpkins. Candy is so good. But dressing up is so much better. I love my pumpkin so much I dressed like it! I painted my face. It was green. My sweater was itchy. I didn’t like that. But I really love my pumpkin and candy. Sometimes I like to play dress up with my pumpkin. His name is Ralph. Me and Ralph have fun on Halloween. We do everything together. I love dressing up. He doesn’t go bad. He’s special. My face was green. This one time I made Ralph’s face. I poked him. He likes candy too.
    In conclusion, I love Halloween. As you can see, me and Ralphy enjoy it a lot. Again, there is candy, trick-or-treating, and dressing up. Candy is good. I like to eat it. Ralph likes it too. I knock on doors and run away. I carry Ralph cuz he can’t run. I like pumpkins. My face was green. Here’s a little secret. Halloween is for you and me, so don’t let the cat out of the bag.

By: Ashley Windover, Amanda Mendillo, and Stacie Duda

Section 36

    This essay is about Halloween!  “Enter if you dare!”  Everyone dresses up in costumes that are usually scary, comical, or even having something to do with Halloween (i.e. A Pumpkin).  One time I dressed my pet bunny Fluffy up as a witch,  whom my dad calls “Fluffernutter”.  He was small and cute and cuddly and white with black spots, sort of like a Dalmatian, but only a bunny rabbit.  Do You like bunnies?  It was too bad my bunny went psycho from being in a witch costume and decided to kill my entire family, but its ok, I’m still here.  I had other pets such as a hamster named Tiki, who died of diabetes, it was a real sad time in my life.  But luckily I had my witchcraft bunny who put a spell on him and brought him back to life, he is the man. 
    Halloween costumes are scary because they usually involve lots of blood (“I want to suck your blood!”) and include devil-like things that are associated with their costumes such as horns or a tripod staff (“I killed a man with a tripod!”).  My friend dressed like a devil once and I was pretty scared, I’m not gonna lie.  He scared me so much I no longer wanted to be friends with him, so I sent my pet bunny over to his house to make a statement.  The best part about Halloween is the poisoned candy you receive from the sketchy families in the neighborhood.  Although they are not good for me, they still taste really good, and go down great with a tall glass of milk.  There is no reason to cry over spilled milk.
    Some comical costumes that people wear on Halloween are a clown (which some people find to be scary), a joker, smurfs, a priest with a little boys head attached to his belt, comedians, or celebrities such as Michael Jackson.  Because this is Thriller, Thriller Night and no one is going to save you from the beast about to strike. This is a wonderful paragraph and it was my favorite because I like funny things.  One costume I really hate is the scream masks, because back in like 2000 everyone and their mother had one and the movie was really scary, but didn’t actually make me scream like the title said it would.  I bet you don’t know who the killer was in the first “Friday the 13th”?  That is what got Drew Barrymore killed, because she doesn’t know her scary movies. 
    I always hated people who dressed up like Jack-O-Lanterns, because when they did, I just wanted to get my bunny out again and have him do some witch-craft on them to take out their insides, and then put a nice little candle in them so they light up real nice in the nighttime.  When the other kids dressed like pumpkins, I wanted to grab a sledgehammer and squash them like a bug to see all of their seeds and junk come flying out in all wonderful angles.  So obviously you could tell I am not too fond of pumpkins because I had fallen into a giant pumpkin when I was younger at a fair, even though they do taste good in pie with vanilla ice cream on the top after the slice was put into the microwave to warm up for a minute or two.
    In conclusion, this essay was about Halloween!  Halloween is mainly about costumes and getting good candy and my pet bunny.  What is your favorite candy?  My favorite candy is Charleston Chew, but it can only be eaten after you put it in the freezer and let it harden.  If you for any reason decide to eat a Charleston Chew in any other desired fashion, I think you should seriously take a good look at yourself and maybe want to think about committing suicide, or you can just tell me about your eating habits and my bunny can make a visit to your household and solve your eating disorder very violently.  I love Halloween!  It is FUN!  I also like candy and I like my evil bunny!
    My teacher is a peeker, and no one else will know what that means, just see it as a little inside “group” joke.  I really wish she had some Charleston Chew in that big pumpkin full of candy, and when I had received all of my candy from it, I would smash it up into a bunch of little pieces and throw it at her.  That is my essay and I am done, it is very professional.  Okay Bye!                

By: Anthony Angrisano, Lyndsey Terhune, and Dana Josephs

Section 31

Halloween: AAAHH!

    Okay, so. Halowween is scary. It is the most scariest holiday out of all the holidays, even scarier than easter. Fucking bunny running around planting eggs everywhere? That shit’s unsettling. Bunnies don’t even lay eggs. Where’d he get them? Did he hold up a chicken coop? Anyway, Halloween is terrifying. Halloween is consisted of three main components: Candy, costumes, and Creepy decorations. These are the three main focal points of this essay. Sentence Fragment.
    The most delicious part about Halloween, or “All Hollow’s Eve,” if you will, is the costumes. That’s right, I said costumes are delicious. Deal with it. Have you seem the M&M’s costumes? Yum Yum. Other popular Halloween get-ups are: Mummies, ghosts, witches, dead celebrities, dead sports icons, dead animals, dead cartoon characters, evil cartoon characters, sexy cartoon characters, and Power Rangers. Sometimes people won’t even dress up, they just roll up on your porch and threaten you until you give them candy. These people ruin Halloween, because their lack of a sense of fun and spirit just brings everybody down. Those guys should get egged.
    BOO! Did we scare you? We’re sorry, just though we should decorate our paper a little. Decorating is fun. Some people will turn their front yards into graveyards with cardboard hands sticking out of the ground. This is lame. Some have real spider webs with real spiders in them; that really scares me. I hate spiders, all those legs running around like they own the place. Who do they think they are? Some people decorate their houses… with sound! Some people play theme songs to scary movies like “Halloween” (so obvious) or “The Sound of Music.”
    Candy Rules. It’s the whoile point of getting dressed up like a pop culture icon if you’re a guy, and a whore if you’re a girl, so people will give you candy. There are lots of different kinds of candy. There’s chocolatey candy, sour candy, fruity candy, hard candy, soft candy, crunchy candy, and “fun size” candy. Fun size candy is the worst. It’s so small, what’s so fun about it? Maybe a whole bag of fun sized candy would be fun. Apples suck. Anyone who gives you an apple for a treat deserves immediate egging and shaving cream-ing. No questions asked.
    In conclusion, Halloween is the bomb diggity because you can dress up like a crazy person and not get yelled at by your parents or police. Also because you can decorate yoiur living space to look like the ninth gate of Hell. Another reason is that you  can stuff yourself with candy and get like, four cavities and maybe diabetes. That’s why Halloween is the best: the danger. Happy Halloweening!

By: Christopher Petterson, Alicia Bragg, and Bryan Bee

The winners of the contest were decided by student vote. 

The guidelines asked the students (working in pairs or groups of three) to work hard at crafting a collaborative essay using strategies that are the opposite of those we’ve been discussing and working with in class.  They were asked to think consciously about the qualities we’ve discussed that make for effective writing, and then work to integrate those elements into an essay about Halloween.  Some of the criteria:

  • LOTS of cliches
  • tell; don’t show
  • five paragraph form
  • weak introductions (lacks a central claim, makes announcements, is overly broad, etc.)
  • repetitive conclusions (repeats introduction almost word-for-word)
  • lacks sentence variety
  • lack of logical arguments

These are the winning essays, but overall there were many hilariously wacky and outrageously horrible essays.  One group in section 36 was truly a cliche forming machine; a group in section 35 wrote about the uncalled for abuse of pumpkins (one of my favorite parts read:  “Why are there so many rumors about pumpkins? The Charlie Brown Great Pumpkin story. This leads kids to standing in pumpkin patches. Like the great Pumpkin will actually come. Why does Corporate America always lead kids to do certain things?”); and in section 31 there was the entirely broad and repetitive thesis of “Halloween can be both scary and fun”–something I would also say in describing these worst ever halloween essays!

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2 Responses to “Winners of the Worst Ever Halloween Essay Contest”

  1. Jason Dhamer Says:


    If I had a dime for all the shitty shit I’ve ever read, I’d have a shit load of useless dimes!!!! god damnit…. my point is, stop saying stupid shit, I have too many dimes…

  2. kamila Says:

    haha so full of shit.

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